Joel Radio #131: Goin’ Ape
It’s rare when there’s a new film in the (arguably) greatest science fiction franchise to talk about, so with the release of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes this weekend, Joel and Corey Hall set out to give a definitive review. Joel’s in some position to do that too, as he binge watched all eight movies in the series, including all five of the original films and Tim Burton’s forgettable 2001 remake before screening Dawn. Corey is also a big fan, joining Joel in splurging on some Blu-rays, and while both enjoyed the new films there are criticisms such as the pacing and the tone of the film not fitting with past episodes. Joel breaks down – and spoils ! – the timeline and plot of the series, pointing out where the new films dovetail with the old and how even the original films have paradoxes and alternate histories within them. It’s hardcore sci-fi geekery, as the guys tell you how Tim Burton’s film inexplicably changed the narrative in a way you may not have noticed and proceed to rank the Apes film 1 to 8 from best to worst (Mr. Burton, you may not want to listen to that part). Also on this show, Corey gives a definitive winner in the battle of Keith Urban vs Toby Keith – listening to both Country Music superstars and determining which is least awful, Joel extols the virtues of New York Pizza, and Miley Cyrus tries and fails to make a gymnastics outfit sexy. Plus, the guys hate Last Comic Standing and will tell you why it is the worst vehicle ever for creating a new comedy star and the hard-to-understand reasons why that is so.
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Apes from the new movie – not a picture of Joel and Corey!
And the Mad Men/Simpsons/Planet of the Apes mash-up no one’s been waiting for
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about 10 years ago
Planet of the Apes- Taylor is thrown 2000 years into Earth’s future by going through a hyperspace wormhole. Cornelius is an archaeologist trying to prove that apes descended from humans from what he found in the forbidden zone. Dr. Zaius knew that Taylor & the other astronauts would eventually come there and already knew that man had destroyed themselves and apes became dominant. Taylor finds the evidence in the forbidden zone. (This book is Taylor’s perspective)
Beneath the Planet of the Apes- Brent is arriving as the only survivor of the rescue mission sent to find Taylor & his crew. He arrives as Taylor disappears in the forbidden zone. At this time, General Ursus (Gorillas) wants to invade the forbidden zone in search of food. Psychic mutants who worship the Doomsday Bomb want to detonate the bomb, they are the radiation fallout survivors and live in the forbidden zone. The gorillas and humans fight each other. Taylor and Brent fight the mutants. Brent dies. Taylor sets the bomb off and the planet is destroyed. (Brent’s perspective)
Escape From the Planet of the Apes- While the gorillas, Taylor, Brent and the mutants were fighting, Cornelius, Zira and Dr. Milo were busy fixing Taylor’s spaceship and rode the shock wave from the Doomsday Bomb’s explosion through a time warp that sent them back to Earth circa 1973. Yeah, pretty accurate wormholes & time warps back in the day. They agree not to say anything about their ability to speak or Taylor and what happened to Earth. Zira speaks and it sets off a chain of events. Milo is killed by a gorilla. They end up telling the only two people they trust, Dr. Branton & Dr. Lewis, and tell them everything. When it’s revealed that Zira is expecting, another scientist, Dr. Hasslein freaks out and wants them prevented from breeding. Dr. Hasslein gets Zira drunk and she tells him the gorilla’s started the wars with the help of the orangutans, but the chimps stayed neutral. An assistant says something that pisses off Cornelius and he accidentally kills someone. The good docs hide the couple with Armando who runs a circus and is sympathetic. Everyone is looking for the couple. Dr. Hasslein kills Zira and the baby chimp then kills Cornelius. Baby chimp Milo is safe with Armando since they switched chimps. Milo asks for his parents. (Zira, Cornelius and Milo (Ceasar’s) perspective)
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes- Now it’s the 1990’s and earth is a police state. All cats & dogs are dead and apes have replaced them. An inspector Kolp figures out that they switched chimps and got away. He pursues the real Milo and Armando. Armando is caught and kills himself to avoid revealing where Milo is hiding. Milo finds out and changes his name to Caesar. Caesar is pissed at the way apes are treated and trains the apes to fight. A human helps him escape and start a revolution against the humans. Lisa, another ape, speaks and convinces him not to fight the humans and to try and find peace. (Caesar’s perspective)
Battle for the Planet of the Apes-12 years later, Caesar and the gorilla’s live in Ape City, humans are surviving in the Forbidden City. They are attempting to coexist, but General Aldo wants to kill all humans. Caesar goes to the Forbidden City to learn about his parents. Caesar has a son, Cornelius. Kolp, now a governor of Forbidden City, wants to invade and kill the apes. Cornelius is killed by General Aldo after hearing his plans to take over. Cornelius tells Caesar before dying. Lots of fights. Caesar kills General Aldo. Coexists with humans. (Narrator has been retelling the events of what happened 600 years before to a bunch of ape & human children coexisting in peace.
Tim Burton’s remake of The Planet of the Apes, sucked. It doesn’t count. The new reboots, Rise & Dawn & all the other ones coming after them, shouldn’t even be considered comparable to the originals as they are in a class of their own.
about 10 years ago
Five Guys gives me the shits, too! I know it’s the fries! Just don’t eat the fries.